Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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