Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
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You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
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In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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