Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my phone needs a breathalizer
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
