I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
