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I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
