Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize