I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I accidentally burped into my bong.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
