I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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