I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
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I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
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Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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