wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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