Just fell off a train. Bad.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
