Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
