Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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