I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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