I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
