Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
