If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
