Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
