Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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