I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I smell like Dick and happiness
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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