This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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