i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
