my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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