i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize