I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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