Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
