Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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