The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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