Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
