genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
