My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How does one acquire holy water?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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