there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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