The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
