I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
