So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
