My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
