ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
