he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We had to coat check the pizza.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
