im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
