I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
