EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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