Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
