Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
