note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
