I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Randomize
