is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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