Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...

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(602): View more from Arizona

Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.

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(260): View more from Indiana

After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday

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