The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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