I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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