I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
this must be what syphilis tastes like
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
