My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
