Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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