Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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