Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
