so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I have peed in a lot of sinks
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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