The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
