I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
